Thinking with You
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Is it too late?

Do you want to be a wife and a mother?  I don’t want to hear the ‘buts’ or ‘ands’ – the question is simple.  Do you want to be a wife and a mother?

Believe it or not, I’m pretty sure this is the dream in every girl’s heart.  Did you play with dolls as a child? Do you remember loving to cuddle babies when you were a teen?  Did you play house, and pretend you were the mummy?  From a young age, the vast majority of girls have a desire to be a mother…and that is okay.  It is normal, healthy and natural to want to be a mother.  It is a God-given mandate to women!  (Genesis 1:28.) Think about it – every woman is born with a womb, and with eggs that can one day be fertilized and grow into babies.  It’s right there in your biology!  So it is entirely natural to desire to be a mum. 

(And in my observation, it’s the teens aged around 12-18 who have the greatest yearning to look after babies.  Why do you think so many girls want to study childcare?  Very interesting…)

As girls get older, they also desire to have a Prince-like character sweep them up and take them on a grand adventure.  The popular Christian book Captivating by John Elridge (2005) does a good job of describing how the woman’s heart yearns for a man to come and rescue her from her innocence and boredom, and show her the world.  (Aladdin, anyone?)

Now for a number of reasons, which I will discuss in later posts, this male-female dynamic has become quite thwarted for many Christians.  Those Princes are just hard to come by these days.  And yet, people are still getting married…so you may ask yourself, what’s wrong with me?  Well, I’ll tell you where a spanner may have been throw into the works in your situation.  You’ve missed the ideal window. 

In Western culture, for a few decades now we have been experiencing something called ‘delayed adolescence’.  This means that men and women who are in their 20’s and 30’s are still acting like teenagers, in some regards.  They are still living for their own selfish pleasures, rebelling against parental wisdom, and staying single.  The median age of women getting married in Australia at last census is 30 years old (ABS 2017).  But is this how it should be?  How old were you when you got your period?  12, 13, 14?  Women’s bodies are ready to have kids more than a decade before marriage!  Now I’m definitely not saying 12 year-olds should go out and get married…but I can also tell you that having babies in your 20’s is a lot easier and better for you than having babies in your 30’s!  Ask any doctor.

 Furthermore, it’s when you are young that you are most appealing to men.  Yes, you’re absolutely clueless, vulnerable and innocent – that’s what is attractive to men!  It’s certainly a nicer time of life than when you are 35, burnout and haggard with a truckload of baggage.

 My point is, we are just waiting too long to enter the dating game.  Ideally, I think girls should be dating from their late teens, with parental guidance and proper chaperones.  (More on that in a later post.)

Think about the high-society girls back in the day (in those old classic movies, or basically any movie made before the feminist movement of the 1970’s!) Although they spent some of their time and energy pursuing creative interests, work and even higher study, their number one priority (and that of their families) was to find Mr Right and get him to put a ring on it!  These girls did not stay home from parties or church because they were too tired from work, studying for exams, or kicking back with a Netflix and red wine…they put a major effort into preparing themselves for any social occasion that would afford them even a small ‘win’ in the game of love and marriage. 

And you know what?  They weren’t ashamed of it – because most of the girls were doing it.  It was just an accepted fact that girls needed to ‘enter society’ and put their best foot forward with no mucking around.  And I hate to break it to you (feminists, you better log off right now) – but girls become less appealing to men as they get older.  I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s 100% true.  Seriously, which guy would marry a 40 year old when he can marry a 20 year old? 

This is absolutely a taboo subject for men and women these days, but the reality is that as a woman, you need to put yourself out there when you are in the fresh blush of youth, before your colour and energy starts to fade, you put on weight, and you lose your vitality and bright spirit.  These are some of the things that make you attractive to a man, so you have to capitalise on them while you can.  (Furthermore, the older you get, the smarter and more cynical you get – so guys who would have made your heart soar when you were 18 are now worthy of only your contempt and disdain.  Ouch.)

Now those of you who are reading this who are over 25 (probably all of you) – DON’T RUN TO THE NEAREST BRIDGE to jump off.  I am going to help you!  Remember, I got married at 34.  I know of a girl who recently got married at 40.  IT IS POSSIBLE and we will get you there!

My guess is that you are dealing with this season as best you can, by doing one of the following options:

1.     Be like the high-society girls and spend the bulk of your resources on finding Mr Right.

2.     Accept the single life and put your nurturing energies to good use, like Mother Teresa.

3.     Compete with men and prove to them that you are just as good as them, so they had better not leave you behind!

 If you are a strongly committed #1, you go girl!  I’ll be sharing more tips soon on how to win in the dating game.

If you are a #2, God bless you.  The world needs more sacrificial women and ‘surrogate’ mums to teach and care for all the orphaned spirits in the community. But check in with yourself that that is really what you want. And where are you getting your needs met?

My guess is that a lot of you girls are hovering around #3.  You probably don’t realise it, but here’s a little pop quiz for you:

a.     Are you doing higher education? (Or have completed it.)

b.     Are you saving up for a house?  (Or have bought one.)

c.      Are you in leadership at church?

d.     Do you earn more than all of your male friends?

e.     Do you seethe with anger when a man gets promoted over you?

f.      Do you refuse to let men open doors and carry heavy things for you?

g.     Do you act like ‘one of the boys’ at work socials so that you’re not stuck alone at the bar? 

h.     Do you have good male ‘bros’ that you hang out with one on one while kicking back with a beer and bitching about life? 

If you answered ‘yes’ to at least two of these, well, I hate to break it to you, but: these things won’t get you married.

Hear me out – I’m just as annoyed as you are with the boys clubs and the sexual harassment and the unfair workplace standards and the difficulty of having a voice at the boardroom table.  I’ve been there and it has driven me mad with frustration.  But all of this is irrelevant to our particular area of interest: getting married. 

Once you are married, you won’t have to compete with men anymore.  You will have your own man to speak for you, to cover you and to bring you the social status that you crave.  Yes, the feminist in me is cringing as I write this, but it is true. 

 So what are the takeaway points from this provoking and soul-destroying post? 

1.     It’s ok to want to be a wife and mum.  Don’t be ashamed of this!

2.     If you are young, or not, all of you, GET OUT THERE AND START DATING ASAP!

3.     Start watching old movies.  I’m dead serious.  Surround yourself with that old-school culture and you will pick up some tips on how to stop being such a competitive ball-buster and actually start using your feminine spirit to attract men.  (I’m currently loving the Spanish soapie ‘Velvet’ on Netflix, set in the 1950’s.  So much drama, and such lovely old-fashioned gentility!  And yes, I fast-forward the sex scenes.  Keep those standards up, people!)

Lots of love to you girls. Xo