Thinking with You
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Relationships.life

Dating.Marriage.Motherhood

Less Man, More Woman

Life is really hard.  Going to work, slogging it out, doing mental/ physical/ emotional labour, dealing with a bad boss, paying the bills, keeping up your health, connecting with friends and family, trying to keep everyone happy, worrying about how the world is getting worse – it’s tough to stay positive and relaxed when your day is filled with this kind of stress.

I’m going to go all 1950’s on you and suggest that ideally, it’s the role of men to carry these kinds of burdens and to shoulder the majority of the protecting and providing stressors that life brings along.  It just does not suit a woman to work a difficult, full-time job, handle a commute, work alongside men and like men, and then have to come home and do all the house-stuff too.  You see, men don’t mind going out to work.  They know that it is their role.  But it grates on women and it doesn’t help women nurture their feminine spirit.   (No matter how smart they are, eventually all women just want to stay home and bake cookies.)

Although this way of thinking is seriously anti-PC, it’s reality.  I worked full-time and then part-time (with part-time study) from the age of 21 to about 33.  I have a lot of friends who have done the same, and are still working, some into their early 40’s (still waiting for Mr Right).  And all of us agree that it’s tiring, soul-destroying, stressful, and not what we were created to do.  (It was okay until we hit about 30 – then we started to burn out.)  And these are smart women, many with Masters degrees and other accolades, in a variety of industries. 

It’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that it doesn’t really suit the feminine nature and it doesn’t nurture your feminine side.  It’s a rare woman who can find a high-level, meaningful job that doesn’t crush her spirit in the cogs of inner-office politics and useless bureaucracy. 

I mean, honestly, how do you feel at the end of a long work day, after your co-worker jammed the photocopier AGAIN and made you stay late, commuting home with only the smell of your rancid Tupperware to keep you company as you are stuck in traffic?  I’ll tell you, it feels crap!   

Anyway, my point is that today’s culture does not serve women in nurturing and maintaining our femininity, and this is a major issue because it is that feminine spirit that attracts men. 

Men might respect you – they might even shout you a drink after work – but do they see you as a woman?  It’s very possible that the thing that is holding you back from being pursued by guys is that you are sending out masculine vibes – the wrong kind of energy. 

Masculine:  cognitive, visionary, direct, commanding, moving forward, thrusting, pointing, planning, organising, delegating etc.

Feminine: receiving, wondering, laughing, feeling, crying, ‘being’, enjoying, relaxing, seeing, hugging, caring, forgiving, etc.

If you are getting on a bit in years, and you are really keen to get married, and this resonates with you, I honestly recommend that you take a good hard look at your job and see if you can segue into a different type of work that is less stressful.   There is no rule book that says you have to be a CEO, a world-changer, a saviour of humanity, an extra-mile gal, a ‘team player’, or to ‘stand in the gap’ for all those broken people out there. 

Who’s to say you can’t be a florist?  Or a yoga instructor?  Or pick strawberries?  You know what – women who do these things are typically more attractive to men – because they are more feminine activities that tap into your feminine side.  You’re not carrying a huge burden of responsibility around, and are more free to nurture yourself.  You need to make space so that you actually have time and energy to offer a man the feminine nurture that he is craving.

May I remind you of the great movie Monster-in-Law starring JLo, Jane Fonda and Michael Vartan.  Michael’s character is a doctor from a posh family, and he falls in love with JLo, who is a ‘common’ girl with a very low-key job.  But she is so appealing because of her relaxed spirit, free and easy-going manner, and also her sense of personal conviction and resolve that are true and authentic, and haven’t been corporatised.  She is super attractive and super feminine.  She’s not particularly young or skinny, but she is lovely.  That’s what men want. 

Men want women who have time for them.  Who help them relax into the present moment and have some fun.  Who help to release them from the cares of the day with a soft gaze, kind word and a gentle touch.  You’re not going to be able to do that if you’re worried about your work deadlines or your church commitments. (If you got a boyfriend right now, would you be able to cancel everything and join him on his journey? Cause that’s how it has to be.)

I read somewhere that many women these days would like to have a wife to come home to, to sooth away the day’s cares, give you a foot rub and get you a cool drink.  Here’s a telling question: right now, do you feel you need a husband or a wife?  

It’s time to start reducing your masculine energy and start tapping into your feminine energy. 

Please watch this excellent video by dating coach Mat Boggs, which explains the masculine/feminine polarity and suggests five ways to tap into your feminine spirit.  (10 mins - watch it all!)

Don’t feel guilty about nurturing yourself.  Reduce to part-time work.  Get a regular massage/mani/pedi.  Buy yourself flowers.  Get your hair done.  Wear pretty clothes.  Say ‘no’ to responsibilities that are offered to you.  Say ‘yes’ to enjoyable experiences that you are invited into.  Relax, laugh, smile!  You are allowed – God delights in you when you connect to your feminine core – you are a woman, after all!  Don’t be afraid to be one, just because our culture has homogenised everything.  Try on your femininity and see what happens!