The One before the One
I have a good friend who is just like you – kind, caring, servant-hearted and forgiving. She would date certain men, some of whom had a few issues to iron out. She would spend months helping them with their problems, encouraging them, and putting them on the path to wholeness and success. And then, after she had poured out all her love and care on them…they would dump her. AND they would marry the next girl they dated. What the??
She called herself ‘the one before the one’. It was a brutal time.
Has this ever happened to you? Perhaps you have poured your soul out in the effort to ‘fix’ a man, to help sort his life out, to reconcile him to his family, to get him a better job, to clean up his act, to help him lose 20kg, to introduce him to church life, to help him get to work…and what do you have to show for it? I bet you that the relationship is over. And even more galling, I bet that HE dumped YOU. Ouch.
If you are the kind of girl who is always picking up ‘broken-wing’ boyfriends, let me share something with you that could change your life. You can only be one of two things to a grown man: his mother or his lover (commonly known as the ‘mother or the ho’ dynamic.)
A man who is still a little boy inside needs a mother to help him with certain things:
- social life
- hugs and ‘poor baby’ soothings
- you get the point.
If you are helping a man in these areas – you are being his mother. You might be scratching your head thinking, ‘I love him, but I’m not in love with him’. What’s happened is that your maternal instincts have kicked in. Your nurturing spirit has a job to do, so you pour all of your energy and love into getting that man his PBJ sandwich organised for work, making sure he has fuel in the car and reminding him to call his sister for her birthday. You know who does that kind of stuff? Mums. Are you his mum? No!
What’s he doing for you, may I ask? Does he remind you to service your car? Does he take you out for a nice meal? Does he go shopping with you and pay for a new outfit? Does he check in on you after your important meeting? Because he should! This is the man’s role. He gives, you receive.
Do you know how men feel around their mums? Soft, squishy, lazy and greedy. They love their mums, they want their mums’ food, they give their mums lots of hugs – but do they want to have sex with their mums? Heck no.
Here’s the worst part about being someone’s mother figure. A mum’s job is to raise her child to leave home. Once the child is raised – he leaves. So once you get little Johnny back on his feet, successful at work, with his closets finally organised and his hair neatly trimmed, you know what’s going to happen? You’re about to be royally DUMPED.
So if you want the guy you’re into, or your current boyfriend, to actually make more moves and take it to the next level, you have to pull back. Don’t be motherly. If he needs a mummy, let him run back home to his warm milk. You want a man who has already left home, and is looking for a WOMAN.
You can’t fix a boy and turn him into a man. Only his parents or a mentor can do that. But you can inspire him to become a man, so that he can win you. You are not the mother, you are the prize. Act like it! And save your maternal instincts for actual children.